Confessions of a Cutter
by hweasley21
Summary: Now complete.This is the story of a lonely Girl and the man who could change her life. Warning: Cutting.Crellie
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Old Habits Die Hard and new ones could kill you

Ellie shivered slightly as she felt a breeze blow across her bare legs. She crossed her legs and shifted her position on the hard picnic table trying to warm her a little.

"Are your legs cold?" he asked her as he put an arm around her shoulders.

"Yeah" Ellie answered pulling out of his grasp almost falling off the table in the process.

"Why don't you pull your hoodie off and wrap it around your legs?" He asked.

"No" she snapped and she quickly pulled the sleeves of her blue and white hoodie down tighter around her wrist, feeling self-conscious. The last thing she needed right now was for anyone to see the tiny cuts on her arm because by Monday everyone at school would be talking about it. They would all know why she did it, because he didn't want her, because he choose Manny and she couldn't stand to be the center of that gossip again.

"Ok, Nash" he slurred. "Sorry, just trying to be gentlemen"

"I'd have a coronary if you could even spell Gentlemen" Ellie mumbled.

Jay ignored the comment and stood up, swaying from side to side.

"I need more beer," he said to no one in particular and stumbled towards the cooler by his car.

Ellie looked around trying to remember how she got her. How did she go from being relatively self-assured and comfortable with herself to getting into Jay's car?

But the reasons were clear and she knew it actually came to weakness. She was at the ravine with jay Hoggart because she, Ellie Nash was just not strong enough. It was the same reason she placed that knife to her arm a few hours ago and the reason she cried herself to sleep last night.

**FLASBACK**

**Ellie opens the door. to her apartment. She wiped the tears off of her cheeks and plastered a small smile on her face.**

**"Mom" she calls as she walks through the house. The house seemed to empty.**

**"Mom?"**

**The kitchen was the only room with a light on. There was a posted note stuck to the refrigerator. Ellie snatched it off and read it out loud.**

**_Eleanor,_**

**_I am so sorry. I got a call from your dad tonight and we had a fight. I told him about my problems and I told him I got help but he still wants a divorce._**

**_I can't take. I am going to Sheila's house and I don't know when I will be back. I hate doing this to you but I know you are a string girl who can take care of herself._**

**_I love you_**

**_Love_**

**_Mom_**

**Ellie crumbled the note in her hand and threw in on the ground. She went into the bathroom wordlessly and took a shower. She stood under the hot water usually that would soothe not only her body but also her soul. However tonight was different, she felt broken.**

**When she was too tired to stand there any longer she turned off the water and climbed out of the shower. Ellie wrapped a large towel around her self and walked in her bedroom. She was reaching for her pajamas and a black cd case hit the floor. She knelt down to pick it up. Ellie hesitated and then unzipped it.**

**In this cd case were reminders of her horrible past. The tools she used to use to cut herself. Sean used to wonder why she kept them and the truth was she didn't know. Ellie took out a slim silver knife and held it loosely in her hand.**

**Her hand trembled as she lowered the blade to her upper arm. Ellie inhaled deeply and closed her eyes as it she slipped it across her skin. Then it happened, she felt that surge of adrenaline. All of the pain she felt at that moment was channeled into one place. Ellie took all of the emotional pain and turned it into physical pain. For one short moment time truly stood still and Ellie once again felt in control of herself.**

**Once she opened her eyes though reality set in. Ellie chocked back a sob as she watched the blood drip from her arm. Her whole body began to shake and she felt ill.**

**But all she did was stand up and go back to the bathroom. She put a band aide over the small flesh wound so it wouldn't drip everywhere. Once back in her room she thought about reaching once again for her pajamas but decided against it. All Ellie wanted at that moment was sleep.**

**She turned off the ringer on the phone and crawled into her bed. Her body felt weak and she was totally exhausted but for some reason she couldn't sleep.**

**Craig chose Manny. Craig loved Manny. Craig didn't want to be with her, he wanted to be with Manny.**

**Her mom was probably off getting drunk somewhere. Her parents were divorcing.**

**Sean left her. He went home to be with the people he loved. She didn't matter as much as she should.**

**The tears flowed down her cheeks and she let out the sob she had been choking back all night. Her whole body shuddered and she cried into her pillow. How did her life get so messed up so quickly?**

**After a few hours she fell asleep. She slept fitfully in spurts of a few hours at time. When she was finally awake the next morning at about 8:00 the next night she stood and changed clothes.**

**Ellie knew she couldn't stay in her house any longer. She didn't know here she was going as she walked down the road. She just kept walking.**

**"Hey, Nash!" someone called from a car parked by the side of the road. She squinted, trying to make out a face through the darkness. "Need a ride?"**

**She turned around and continued to walk; she didn't need to see the face the voice was enough.**

**"No, Jay" Ellie called over her shoulder. "Just leave me alone.**

**She could tell he was following her. Jay followed her for 6 blocks. Ellie stopped abruptly and walked around to the driver's side window. She could hear some urban type music blasting through the quiet night around her.**

**"Hey Nash" he greeted her. "What are you doing out here all alone?"**

**"Just walking" she told him. Ellie shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably. "Why are following me?"**

**"No reason" Jay answered. "I saw you and you looked kind of down. I heard about Manning. That must suck."**

**"What?" Ellie asked trying to make her face void of all emotion, pulling the sleeves of her grey hoodie down.**

**"I heard you had a thing for him" Jay explained. "Now, word is he went back to little Miss Santos. I can't say I blame him, not only is she hot but she's easy."**

**Jay laughed at his crude locker room joke and Ellie blinked away the tears. The idea of Craig and Manny together absolutely broke her heart.**

**"Hey, it's ok" Jay said noticing her pained expression. "I heard from Cameron"**

**"Sean?" Ellie asked and Jay nodded.**

**"He's doing real good," Jay told her. "He is getting good grades, his family and him are good. He even has a girlfriend now"**

**Ellie looked down at her feet and let a tear slip.**

**"Sean's moved on" Ellie affirmed quietly to herself and wiped away the tears.**

**Jay looked really uncomfortable.**

**"You want a ride?" He asked finally to break the awkward silence he caused with his thoughtless remarks.**

**Ellie stood there for a moment staring at her shoes. Pretty patened leather Mary Janes with a chunky heel she loved those shoes, Sean bought them for her and Craig loved them. He always complimented them; Craig loved Ellie's style.**

**Ellie threw her shoulders back and looked at Jay. She wasn't going to worry about Craig, or her mom or even Sean, not anymore.**

**"Yeah" Ellie told him. She walked around and Jay leaned over and opened the door. She climbed in and buckled her seat; he sped off into the night.**

**END FLASHBACK **

"Nash!" Jay whispered. She jumped a little not realizing he was back.

"What?" she asked.

"Wanna a drink?" he slurred. He thrusted a clear bottle at her.

Ellie was the child of an alcoholic. She watched the hell her mother went through because of the disease. Doctors and therapist always said it was hereditary. Ellie swore she would never drink and she never regretted that decision. She was looking for something when she decided to come here and she wasn't going to find it in her own head. Something had to give, something had to change.

"Ok" Ellie answered and slowly brought the bottle to her lips.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry this took so long. I lost my inspiration and it took forever to get it back. So, I wont let this take so long in the future. again so sorry.**

"Ellie's not here " Marco commented as he sat down. "Again"

"Two days in a row?" Paige questioned starting on her lunch, "that's not like Ellie"

"I am little concerned" Marco admitted, "I have tried calling and I get no answer at her house"

Craig took all of this information but kept all comments to himself. Somehow he knew Manny wouldn't care for his showing concern towards Ellie. _That is ridiculous, _Craig told himself,_ when did I sign up to have Manny police my personal life?_

"Ellie is a big girl" Manny advised them coolly, "She can skip if she wants"

Marco coughed and looked at Craig awkwardly. Craig stood up and glared down at Manny, "Nice" he hissed before throwing his trash out and heading for the door. He could hear footsteps behind him and Manny calling his name but he kept walking.

"Craig, please" Manny said when she caught up. She grabbed his arm forcing him to stop walking. "Craig, what's wrong?"

"Those people are Ellie's friends and they aren't concerned with her attendance, they are concerned that something is wrong" Craig explained, "What you said was little cold Manny"

"I am sorry, I think you guys blow things out of proportion" Manny replied crossing her arms.

"I can't-I can't deal with you right now" Craig shouted as he stormed away. He went outside and paced for a minute wondering how his love life became so warped. _Not like it's the first time,_ Craig thought before sitting down on the ground. He was out there for about thirty minutes when he heard Manny's voice again.

"Everyone is all _concerned_" Manny joked, "She is probably sitting hold up in a dark room somewhere with her death metal music and a razor blade"

The cruel comment earned a chuckle from Manny's friends. Craig was fuming and almost approached the girls when he heard another voice interject, "Amy is in my math class, she mentioned that she saw Ellie at the _ravine_, with _Jay_"

For a moment no one spoke and then Manny giggled, "So she is whore and head-case, wow, I am really glad I don't have to deal with her drama. I only tolerate her for Craig and soon I wont do that. He will just have to deal with it."

He chose that moment to come around the corner, Manny stopped mid sentence, her face grew red and she looked to the floor, "At least you have the decency to be ashamed," Craig told her.

"Craig-" Manny started but Craig cut her off.

"Don't even" he snapped, "I heard everything I need to from you today" Before she could register his words he stalked away.

Marco was walking out of the bathroom and saw the look on Craig's face, "Talk to me Craig, what happened?"

"Manny is a bitch" Craig answered, "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"She's not a bitch, she has some issues" Marco said softly. "What happened?"

Craig relayed the story and Marco just shook his head, "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she is a bitch," Craig laughed but suddenly he stopped remembering what he heard about the ravine.

"I heard from one of Manny's brainless friends that Ellie was at the ravine with Jay" Craig whispered. Marco's mouth fell open.

"No, can't be" Marco replied.

"Maybe the girl was wrong, she said she heard it from Amy" Craig responded, not believing it himself.

Marco pulled his cell phone out and started to dial, "Alex" he said a moment later, "Meet me at my locker. We could have problem with El" He put the phone back in his pocket and drug Craig behind him. "Come with me, we will settle this issue once and for all."

A few minutes later Alex had met Marco and Craig at Marco's locker. Alex looked just as shocked by the news, for a long moment she was silent. The she broke into a brisk walk. Marco and Craig followed her and tried to get her to talk.

"Amy" Alex cried when she found her ex best friend. Amy didn't acknowledge Alex's presence. "Amy" she cried again only to be ignored a second time. Alex sped up her pace and slammed Amy against the wall.

"What?" Amy asked, "What is so important?"

"I hear you are telling people you saw Ellie Nash at the ravine" Alex told her. Amy crossed her arms, "is it true?"

"Yeah, so?" Amy countered, "Why do you care?"

"Ellie is my friend" Alex snapped, "I don't want her associating with trash like you"

Amy looked wounded by the words, "She was with jay" Amy said softly, "and she was drinking and she looked like she wasn't doing too well. Maybe you should save her before she ends becoming trash like me"

Alex didn't respond and Amy walked away with her tail between her legs. Marco and Craig caught up with Alex. "We have to find Ellie, now" Alex whispered, both Craig and Marco nodded in agreement.


	3. Chapter 3

Ellie was crouched on the ground behind a bush. She pulled out a small razor and pressed it to her flesh. As the blood dripped down her arm she swayed a little, feeling light headed. She cried out as he head hit the cold ground but no one could hear her, there was party going on after all. Ellie felt tears slipping down her cheeks as the world faded to darkness.

"Ellie" someone said, there voice sounded as though light years away. "El, oh god, Ellie please wake up" From her daze, Ellie recognized the voice as Alex but she didn't reply.

"Ow" Ellie grumbled as someone lifted her up and began to carry her. She had no idea who it was carrying her but she felt comfortable in his embrace and found her self-snuggling against him.

"Watch her head" Alex snapped. Ellie knew he was putting her down and she made a noise, protesting the loss of his comfortable arms.

"We have to get he home" a deeper voice said. Ellie recognized the voice but could put it with a name or a face. It was familiar and made her warm inside but she still didn't know whom it belonged to. She sighed as a car door slammed and she felt herself moving.

"Ellie" Alex cried, "your awake"

Ellie sat up and realized she was in her room. Alex was sitting in a chair by the window staring at Ellie with an expression mixed between concern and joy. "What happened?" Ellie asked, her head pounding and her memory broken.

"We heard from unnamed sources where you were" Alex informed her, "We went out there and Jay had no idea where you were. Apparently after you down four shots of whiskey you wondered away. We found you passed out, and you were-you were-looking pretty rough."

Ellie gazed down to her arms and saw they were bandaged, "Wow, I am sorry" Ellie sighed letting her head fall back. It was then Ellie remembered the second voice and the tingling feeling it gave her, "Who was with you?"

Alex was looking everywhere but at Ellie, 'Manning and Del Rossi" Alex replied softy.

"Craig!" Ellie cried, "Craig saw me like that, you're kidding?"

"I am sorry, they wouldn't let me go the ravine alone" Alex explained. She paused for a moment then added, 'By the way, Craig is in the living room and he wants to see you"

Ellie felt panicked, she looked like Hell and she knew it. Craig couldn't see her like this, she would die first. "No" Ellie said, "I don't want him here. Tell him to leave"

"El" Alex started but quieted down after Ellie gave her a pointed look. Alex rose from her chair and walked out of the room.

_I guess she is asking Craig to leave,_ Ellie thought, _"Good thing to, I just can't deal with Craig right now. I think his pity and rejection could kill what left of me._

Ellie pulled the blankets tightly around her and tried to sleep. She felt tears well up in her eyes and tried to hold them back, "I am tired of feeling this way" Ellie whispered into the pillow, "I am tired of allowing other people hurt me and make me hurt myself. I have to control my own destiny from this moment forward"


	4. Chapter 4

"Craig" Alex said coming into the living room. Craig looked up and smiled at her.

"How is Ellie?" Craig asked his voice was low and he couldn't quite control the shaking.

Alex hesitated-she looked at Craig and saw something in his eyes-love? She made the decision quickly. "Ellie is fine-I have to go" Alex grabbed her jacket and walked to the door. Before leaving she looked at Craig and smiled, "Ellie wanted me to ask you to leave so don't be surprised if she snaps when she sees you"

"Alex wait" Craig shouted after her. He turned and looked at her bedroom door. He shrugged his jacket and begins to pace the hallway. "Do I go in and check on her or do I just leave?" He paused and reasoned with himself. "What sense does it make to leave? Ellie isn't well she needs someone here. Alex left-I should stay"

He took a deep breath and opened her door. Ellie was lying in bed on her side-he back turned to him. At the sound of the door closing Ellie turned around. She saw Craig and groaned, "Fuck" she hissed and turned back over.

"El" Craig started towards the bed.

"Just go Craig-I am embarrassed enough" Ellie whispered.

"No" Craig insisted, "I have something to say and you need to hear it"

Ellie turned over and looked at Craig, "What?" she asked.

"When Manny and I started again I really believed I loved her but I-" Craig trailed off not sure how to tell her. "I-I don't. I love someone else. I should have known I loved that person all along but it wasn't until tonight that I realized it"

"Wait" Ellie sat up and tried to interrupt.

"Let me finish" Craig said, "I saw you on the ground and I saw how much pain you were in I realized how much you meant to me and then I thought maybe I was the reason and I felt like-I felt like I was the worst person ever." Craig moved closer to Ellie and took her hand, "I love you El-I always will"

Ellie started to cry and couldn't quite reply. Craig sat down on the bed and ran his hands through her hair. "You don't have to say anything," he whispered. His hands traveled down her shoulder and to her arms. Ellie cringed when his hands ran down the scars on her arm. They were her confessions-confessions of a lonely life and know he would know it all. Craig leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the mouth.

"I love you Craig" Ellie said softly and lay back down. Craig moved to lie beside her on the bed. The two had no idea what the future held for them but they would find out together.


End file.
